I rlly shd stop thinking / writing stuffs in the night - emotions are always stronger and i'll just end up saying things i'll regret.

Finally i can swim. Hehe. I like swimming. It makes me feel like i can conquer anything. Makes me feel powerful again. Not helpless anymore. I want to learn all the styles one day!

Tmrw, school day again :) Another challenging yet rewarding week is about to start hahahah i love teaching. It's so hard yet so fufilling, im beginning to think that this may just be the right career for me. But then again, im not so sure yet. Im probably enjoying teaching just cos im sorta treating this only as an experience / having fun, and not so much a job that i depend on for a living. So in the future, things may change :/ IDK!!!!!

But whats definitely true is I LIKE LOOKING AT LITTLE KIDS. HEEEHEEEE. Esp little boys HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA SORREY i rlly cant help it some of them are simply toooooooooooo cute / shuai. Then one day i damn umchio coz:

Boy A: "Teacher 'boy B' say alot of boys like you because-....."
Boy B: "OIIII! Shhh shaddap la!"
HAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHA. Omg. Ego booster LOLOLOLOLOL though theyre only p4 but it's nice to knw im being liked ya. As opposed to being seen as a fierce / unnice teacher >|

And got a couple of girls would be like "Miss Park you very pretty today" HEHEHEHEHEH ok ego boost again like one day Yasmin was like "Miss Park, do you have a boyfriend?" then i was like "o.o NO of coz not haha" then she went "HUH! But you're so pretty! You should have alot of boyfriends" HAHAHAHAHA are kids cute or whut :>

Ok abrupt end to post.

Tomorrow Shall Be Better.

That's you.

I dont understand how come you can be SO FUCKING THICK-SKINNED.

Im not pissed coz i bother. Im pissed coz I FEEL SO DISGUSTED BY THE FACT THAT i was even with you then. I must have been the blindest idiot on earth. Well thank God it's over. But i feel like my life has A BIG UGLY STAIN on it >|



And you, as my friend. YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER. I knw it's your inherent nature to attract guys of all shapes/sizes/looks/weight/intelligence/whatever, and then sms/talk/be nice to each and every one of them. BUT I DONT THINK YOU ARE SO INNOCENT/BLUR TO NOT REALISE THAT I WONT BE HAPPY? I know you enjoy flirting but at least LOOK AT WHO THE PERSON IS YA.

Fuck i hate life. Just when i thought my life was getting close to perfect, shit has to happen and pull me back down to hell again. FUCK ALL OF YOU

Sometimes I just wanna hide behind my ugly (and fat) self and wallow in lone misery

i can start life again on a clean slate.

2nd post in a day. Needed something to neutralize the hate below.

Well LOVE. Love = music, music = love. Thats for sure :)

It's so hard finding good music that reaches out to me. Sure, clubbing songs are catchy; yes, kpop/jpop are awsmly addictive, but i still feel empty after listening to those.

But not for certain songs/artistes. I dont knw about other ppl, but for me, every time i listen to a song i like, i would wiki that artiste for the discography, and then go download ALL THE ALBUMS.

And most of the time i end up skipping lots of songs from my ipod cuz i simply do not like some (most) of the songs.

Examples
The Ting Tings: "That's not my name" is v catchy right, v popz too. Downloaded the whole album and the rest is.............. let's just say not my type. Cant even get past the intro for most of them

La Roux: "Im not your toy" and "Bulletproof". Two great songs. Whole album? I dont think so.

See. It's such albums/songs/artistes like these that wastes my ipod memory. LOL. So very rarely, i'll find albums whereby I WOULD LOVE EACH AND EVERY SONG INSIDE.

1) Evanescence. Deep lyrics, breathtaking voice, emo enough. My fav kind of song

2) Linkin Park. Ok only A FEW songs from them are crappish, the rest are (Y)

3) One Republic. I love love love each melody of EVERY song. No further explanations, feels like the songs are made for me. Haha. Perfect lyrics too.

4) Jay Chou. Need i say further?

So yeah. Just something i thought about and maybeeeee some other ppl also have the (exact) same sentiments. :)

Music saves me

The hate is back.

The same kind of uneasiness when i merely LOOK at her photos. There's no link (already). Why do i still HATE? Really. Dont. Know. Why.

CHJ. I hate this girl. To the inside of my bones. Or wtvr, anything that sounds strong enuff. Stupid chaoahlian who cannot even dance and thinks that by having her hair/fringe covering half of her face means chio.

Anyway her bro is my dance jnr's bf.......... what a fucking small world.

I think that same kind of regret is coming bck. Not doing/choosing a particular thing that i SHOULD HAVE done two years ago, but yet i went to choose another. Regret is all i feel right now. I have lost both sides. See this is what happens when people get greedy - you end up with nothing in the end.

And another person whom i hate. I feel like showing you a thousand _|_s but i guess one line will pretty much sum it up: I HOPE YOU DIE IN ARMY.

Sorry God for all my evil intentions

I dont knw how to start this post. Hahaha oh my god it is alr 3rd Feb of 2011!

How time flies, really.

Suddenly came bck and decided to start blogging again cuz i saw qiuhan's blog, thought of my own abandoned one, and thought, hey, since no one ever comes here alr, why not just treat this as a place to occasionally pen (type) down life's moments and not get judged :) Oh and of course the *occasional* bitchfests.

I dont wna create a new blog cuz i want to keep this for as long as possible, so next time when i grow old i can just come bck here and see how much ive grown.

(Anyone who's actually reading this pls tell me ya)

So anyway, first day of cny was. Boring. Stayed at home and watched movies like Gattaca, Scary Movie, etc. Oh and HIMYM too.

I love Gattaca. I dont know how to describe it, but Gattaca ALWAYS leaves me thinking about new / diff thoughts after watching (3rd time watching). Im always amazed at how people imagine the future to be like, and in this case, i feel it's so......... scary. People being pre-determined to succeed/fail in life just based on genes, tested thru blood, urine, hair, cells, whatnot. Men and women creating babies not out of love, but actually through 'choosing' the best possible combination of sperm+egg to give their child an earlier advantage in life. Competition in society has evolved such that you can CHOOSE your children. Sends me chills all over my body every time i think of that notion. Not that the parents wont love the child, but i just feel like nothing is *determined by God* anymore, but by humans. Not exactly very comfortable with that.

Anyway, i know im a very incoherent person; i can think of so many other (random) thoughts as i am typing this, and i have an urge to type it all out. Hahah so pardon me.

So many feelings/ thoughts now!! I think i shall look back at 2010, take it as a cny version of newyrs hahaha.

2010 (wow i still rmbr how to use coding)
This yr flashed by me like WOW DID YOU SEE THAT THAT WAS LIGHTNING, lol. Yeah. It's THAT fast for me. So less time to dwell on unhappy things (being optimistic), but also less time to enjoy the happy moments. Thankfully (hmm ironic), there were more unhappy things in 2010 than 2011. Haha.

1. Breaking up/getting dumped (somewhat).
No one ever said this was easy, i used to think "time heals all wounds", yes it still holds and is still something i believe in, i just never thought it would be such a *tough process*. Really, how people get affected by love. Not that i was in LURVE, thinking back this r/s has rlly been a rushed and unthought of one. Irritating i hate myself for always being so impulsive.

I think only certain people like ver / eve / qiu knws what im going through, cuz we are all going thru this phase at the same time. Hahaha. We're all similar in different ways. More about my friends' r/s ltr.

So anyway, you can NOT believe how obsessed i became. LOLLLLLL. Not with him duh, but with...... things. Idk how to say it ugh and i'd probably sound like this pathetic fool, but i think my obsession only died off like, end of last yr. So what obsession? Eg. I kept stalking this girl's fb and even started to grow hate for her, even when i dont even KNOW her. Is this scary or what??!!!? Im scared of myself. LOL.

Thinking back from now, im so glad that when i think of *him* or anything remotely related to him, i feel nothing! For the past yr (i think we brokeup about a yr ago), such things will still affect me, like not in the *BAM IM SO SAD I WNA DIE* way, but more like little weird/uncomfortable feelings in the stomach/heart, something like a sudden wave of nausea. LOL. I am so retarded. Hahaha. And i get so *sensitive*, when i hear someone just MENTIONing his name i'd feel weird cuz i'd be like "has it something to do with me". But as "we" became "him/you/me/i", i realise that seriously, no one else thinks about the two of us as *us* anymore so no need to get so paranoid / stuffs. Yay being incoherent again.

I'd admit, there're times when i miss him, but actually, i miss the MEMORIES, and not him in particular. Like, even if it was another guy, i'd feel exactly the same. Does this mean this isnt what they call *true love*? HAHA. I feel disgusted just typing those two words out. But, cynical as i have become, deep down there's a part of me that still strongly believes everyone has someone else made EXACTLY for him/her; a true soulmate/companion/loved one. I just hope i can find mine before i die. Haha.

So actually i didnt even love/like him THAT much, why was i still affected for such a long time. Over 2010, i think i have finally found the answer. I dislike hate being replaced. Not only in terms of r/s. I realised for EVERY SINGLE THING, i hate that feeling. Gosh i really hate that feeling SO MUCH i have to repeat that i hate that feeling. Yes no one else likes getting replaced either, but to me, i can get so paranoid at the slightest "hint/feeling" that i am going to be taken over. Is this considered a vice?

Which brings me to my next main point in 2010.

2. Friendships. Mostly old ones.

I dont know if i should say it out here, but i guess i will be as truthful as i can from now on. On this platform. *crosses fingers no one comes here and take everything i type out of context*. So anyway, this whole "replacement" thing. It kinda happened btwn siyu and i. Not that she is even aware of it, haha.

One of the reasons why i hated 2010 so much was coz of my class. More about that later too. So anyway, every day basically i only hang out with Nat (and slum, they kinda come in a package), whom i am so grateful for as a great friend and whom i currently miss ALOT. And so i only get to hangout with siyu etc. occasionally. And whenever we do, she'll be talking about how awsm her class are, her class clique is, and how much fun they have playing and learning every day. Made me a little jealous. Hey, im human too. But i did feel happy for her, no apparent reason, guess friends just feel geniuinely happy for each other when they see they are enjoying life? :)

But at times, i did feel like i was getting "replaced" by mabel :/ Dont take it wrong, mabel is my super good friend too and i love her to bits. It's just, siyu and i have been hanging out so little, and i just feel like we dont make time for each other anymore. And to add on, i felt super inferior to most people arnd me cuz my whole life was basically in the pits. That made things much worse. I actually thought siyu would "choose" mabel ovr me cuz she's much btr in every way. Anyway sigh WHAT HAVE I TURNED INTO LAST YR. This disgusting, self-pitying (is this how you spell), unhappy, depressing, unconfident girl. I didnt even knw who i was.

So bck to that, yeah that feeling was horribleeeeeeee and it isnt something that i can make better by doing other things. It just stays and haunts you. Crazy right, people who dont know how impt siyu and i are to each other as bffs would alr have thought we're les. LOL. Btw, AH i thought of the perfect way to describe how i felt. in one of the eps of HIMYM, Ted and Robin said that in every r/s (which i think fits friendships as well), there is a SETTLER and a REACHER. A reacher always reaches out for the settler, cuz the settler is much btr than the reacher. And the settler would just settle for the reacher, and would not worry that the reacher would stop reaching for him/her at all, cuz after all, the reacher is the reacher. The settler would not worry about losing the reacher, cuz there are bound to be people much better than the reacher that will reach for the settler too. Am i still making sense?

So yeah, i felt like i was the reacher, and siyu was the settler. HAHAHA. So anyway, i was so afraid of losing siyu as a friend. Then i wouldve lost so many things just within a year. There was this particular day. Worst day of 2010 ever. I actually fought with siyu. And it was pretty serious, considering the fact that we NEVER FOUGHT. It was actl ovr yx. I rmbr it was the *peak of my crazily obsessed days*, and we started quarrelling thru smses. I was like saying why cant she just stop talking/being friends with yx, when she knws very well how we broke up. And she was like "we're in the same h3 it's inevitable we speak" then i'll be like "then why does so many ppl keep telling me they see you tgth" and blah O M G I WAS CRAZY till the point that i actually contemplated DOUBTING her??!?!!!!? Like wtf yx's not even her type. But then she said something that rlly made me v angry + heartbroken, i think it was something like "i cannot side with any of you cuz i think both of you were at fault" and something like "i am sick of being dragged into this thing, all of these is none of my bloody (yes i rmbr she used this word, maybe cuz i started using it first. oops) business". Then i immediately broke down i think, and started crying lol. I felt, even if it IS TRUE, that both me and yx are at faults in this r/s, she is my bff and bffs ALWAYS side with each other. Actl till now i still dont rlly get her when it comes to such things. Is it so hard to dao yx, really. So anyway, but part of what she said makes sense too like it's not even HER r/s, she is like being stuck in the middle (but actl there isnt even a need to feel that way, she shd NATURALLY come to my side), and so i wanted to call and apologize to her, BUT SHE WOULDNT PICK UP MY CALLS. Now that is pretty serious.

Then next day when i saw her in school, she was like happily with her clique and i tried to talk to her, she just daoed me and walk past me. I rmbr i just wanted to cry right at the canteen, RIGHT THERE. It was pretty heartbreaking. Plus the fact that i slipped off the stairs and hurt my tailbone right before that. Nat accompanied me to the toilet to clean my skirt cuz it was a rainy + muddy day, and i was like *scrub rub scrub wash wash wash CRY*; the tears just started flowing out. Omg it's like a drama. Definitely worst day ever. My world was like IN COMPLETE DARKNESS i dont knw how i survived man.

Gosh it's 11:30pm and im not even halfway thru yet. Hahahah getting lazy alr.

Anyway, im lazy so no more details, Im just glad that God kept siyu by my side as my bff, and that not only do i have siyu, i have so many other wonderful friends as well. Gwen, eve, qr, ver, layting, liying, nat, chen, deb, jieyi, yuan, chou, mabel, sheng, etc. I really really treasure each and every one of them. I realised there's rlly no need to have alot of friends, just a few impt ones will do. And yes it really is enough. I am so thankful they were around me for the past year, just guiding and supporting me along that nasty road to recovery. I would literally DIE if not for them. Like really, i think i would have committed suicide.

That said, i guess i'll stop here hahaha i will continue some other day :)

Oh how could i have forgotten, my family <3 <3 <3 I am so grateful that my r/s with my parents have gotten SO SO SO much better now. And that i have an awsmly gay bro that would make me feel like everything's okay with just a hug from him. More about my family next time too