I think i finally know how the world really works. Hmmmm.

Never smart enough, never skinny enough, never pretty enough, never pro enough for dance, never hardworking enough, never kind enough, never cheerful enough, never focused enough,
never enough.

Am i the only one who felt completely out-of-place, sian, frustrated, disgusted, and nonchalant when i went back to hc during MAF???

Fb just makes things even more meh and ew for me, coz of ALL the ppl reminiscing and going OMGAWD I MISS HWACHONG SO MUCH I WNA CRY and stuff.

I mean, yeah i understand how sad you are that you arent in the elite school being the elite bunch of students with yr elite group of friends anymore, i miss nanyang that way too but you dont see me going all retarded over it.

Or maybe, these people are simply hating army/uni life. WELL SUCK THUMB :D

COZ IM ENJOYING / LOVIN SMU SO VERY MUCH <3

The friends ive made over a short span of 1mth hold dear to me so much more than those "friends" ive made throughout the 2 years in JC.

Oh and emix is pretty awsm so far <: MY LIFE IS FINALLY ON TRACK.

Dance, studies, friends, family. YES THATS THE WAY TO GO. GOGOGO

Day one of week 2 only and im starting to experience some negative stuffs about school.....

1) Class part. Ok this hasnt been THAT bad, coz i was expecting more irritating people + bullshit..... But more on my own side, i have thoughts most of the time but i just cant find the right time to express it out + not confident enough i think :( Maybe after more lessons it'll be better..... I HOPE

2) Scheming people. Okay, maybe person, coz of this girl from my twc class today. She was obv trying to get this other law girl (who spoke up a couple of times + very articulate + good points to share) into her grp, and daoing me / another girl who was just next to the law girl..... And whats worse, the ONLY time where i contributed (successfully), the prof forgot and thought the contribution was from her -.- And when he was like "it was you, wasnt it i cant rmbr", all she did was GENTLY shake her head, like hello just say it's not you lah then i can also shamelessly say "actually prof, it was me" LOLLLLLLLLL okay not a big deal but STILL. :/

3) Be a scheming person. Okay okay contradicts with point 2), but srsly, gotta look out for yourself most of the time man. Not necessarily BE SCHEMING, but you gotta rlly start thinking and doing things for yourself. Like my twc today, knew no one there, and we gotta have our grps done by this wk. Meaning, if i dont have any friends and i dont go and find ppl to grp with by the end of today, i would most prolly end up as those remaning ppl and anyhow grped with weird / self-mugger / random people. So yeah, after class was sooooo tempted to turn arnd and ask the two guys (coz each grp need 3) if they wna grp tgth but at the same time like abit very desperate, + not v nice to the viet girl sitting nxt to me coz i couldve just asked her..... So i just walked out of the SR and kinda like... gave up / left it to fate? Then i met Lucas and i just ranted about the grouping stuff (actl i think i was subconsciously finding someone to give me that extra push to rlly go up to the guys and ask them), then he was like "Yeah just go for it, see that guy there just go ask!" And thankfully one of the two guys were outside the toilet, so i just went up to him and asked AND YAY NOW I HAVE A GROUP. Totally not what i'd normally do but, i was desperate.

4) TIRED. :( How to survive school + cca (if i can get in emix/indancity) + tuitions + social life!!?????????? :(
HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW

Okay, i should prolly get back to studying :'''''''(
First bgs lesson tmrw. Wish me luck.
AND DAMN MY CT HWK.

Quite contended with life as of now :)

A whole new world of excitement and opportunities awaits, i hope im ready to embrace it :)

HURRAY TO LIFE. (and non-hc people)

Is suicide an option again?

Someone save me

Shut your slut mouth and stop trying to break other people's friendship. Bitch i officially hate you.

THF, you are a fucking hypocrite :)

Oh and pls wake up, you didnt become chioer after you cut your fringe, it just hid more of your face thats all.

Toodles.



Ps. I wouldnt be surprised if she told EVERYTHING we bitched about to *those people*. Thankfully i was smart and hid lot of things from her. Yay. I should go be a fortune teller.

Pps. In case you're reading, you will NEVER have any true friends, mark. my. words.

I should really read Nick Vujicic (sp)'s book from the first page till the last. He is such an inspiration, and i will never, ever be as courageous as him. Not even the slightest bit.

The same feeling of inadequacy is engulfing me once again.......

Sometimes i feel like i can be depressed no further. That is when i think suicidal.

SMU Accountancy, BE WARNED. Here i come.

LOLOLOLOLOL. More like i shd be warned. Spent most of the day combing through forums and concluded that SMU is going to be hell of a rigorous school and i btr buck alllllllll the way up if im thinking of making those big bucks in the future :/

OK NO LIFE HERE I GO. But i still want to join a cca LOL. And be able to spend quality time with my family........ That's all i ask for.

Sorry hun, it doesnt work like this

At my all-time lowest.

NO ONE would ever understand me. Ever. And i dont expect anyone to. Blame it on my own incompetency to express myself through words. Then again, is there really a need to?

Officially 17 more days till i leave bcps..............

The feeling is still unrealistic but i think i'll sense it soon!

This is a random post cos i feel like sleeping but i have a lesson in 4 mins time

End of another week! Time flies and soon next wk will be week 3!! Which means ive only 7 more wks with the bcps kids :( :( :(

Im going to sound so incoherent but I REALLY LUV MY KIDS. I love playing with them and teaching them new things (when they listen), but i just dont think im that cut out to be a good TEACHER. Cos i realised that to be a good teacher, you need to sacrifice being their friend. Which i dont think i am able to :'(

Really, i can just talk about my kids THE WHOLE DAY. The p1s, 1/2, 1/3, 1/5, 1/6, 1/7 kids, p2s, 2/2, 2/5, 2/7, 2/8 kids, p4s, 4/1, 4/2, 4/3, 4/4, 4/5, 4/7 kids, and the only p3 class, 3/7. HAHAHAH. Okay p3s are the hardest to handle. I conclude. Cos theyre like a mixture of p1s and p4s........... Childish yet rebellious. Damn hard to control. Have to teach them recorder for the remaining 7wks. Wish me luckzzzz.

Im really scared the memories i have with the kids will slowly fade away as i grow older and busier :( Omg im starting to dread/feel sad alr. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. But all humans have to move on in life dont we. After a few years, they'll all be teens and i really really wonder how they'll be like and if they'll even have a slight memory that there was once a 'Miss Park' who played and taught them. Haha.

I know! Maybe i shd use this place to note down interesting things i encounter with the kids every day or smthng :D This way in the future i can still come ovr here and embark in blissful nostalgia hehe.

Ok today. Maybe in point form.

1) Gave out test, walked arnd 4/1 4/2 and 4/3. First time seeing them doing smthng SO SERIOUSLY, like every single person. Guess thats the feeling our teachers get back in our own schooling days heh. Esp the usual jokers like Gary Tsan, Emmanuel, Princeton, Jetrickson etc., i really feel damn TOUCHED when theyre serious LOLOLOL. But after they finish they become monkeys again -.- -.- -.-

2) DARRENLIM!!!! Ryan's brother in 1/6, took their class just now cos Andrea had to take my 2/5 for choir auditions. HE IS SO CUTE AND BLUR LA!!!!!!!!! And he totally looks like Ryan though theyre 3 yrs apart. Darren is so small and cute and his eyes are small and just SO charimastic in the very blur way LOL. Even June also thinks hes damn cute HAHAHAHAHAHHA. Shanice (darren's twin) is sho cute too omg i luv the 3 siblings hahaha i wonder how their parents look like hmmmmmm.

3) Aiman. LOL. Sigh. I still feel extremely sad whenever i think / talk about him. It's just SO UNFAIR he's in such a screwed up family with screwed up parents :( Andrea was telling me, his siblings (he has about 2 sisters and 3 brothers) could take the blow of their parents divorcing and stuff but Aiman is the youngest so he couldnt take it. Then he would always say that he wna go bck to msia where his mom is. That is just super sad. Considering he is SUCH a problem kid. Sigh. He is not learning at all. He doesnt want to learn and stuff. The only way to keep him out of trouble is to sayang him. Which i did at first cos i realised hes that kind of kid. But then the problem gets worse. In a sense that he becomes SO ATTACHED to you that he starts telling you that he loves you and that you're his girlfriend :( For a p2, he knows too many things. Too many bad things, in fact. Just two days ago at class, he started swearing and shouting "fuck!!!!! fuckkkkkkkkkkkk" everywhere when obv he doesnt even knw what it means. And one time, he called me "eh you stupid bitch. you beeeetch". The only reaction was O.O and jaw drop. Omg. Where the hell did he learn such stuffs??? WHAT KIND OF PARENTS DO HE HAVE UH. I felt SO sad and even felt damn bad for being helpless. Like i can only see him like this every day and not be able to do anything about it........... At least Khairul is ABIT better but i think he still influences Aiman in the wrong way :( I think they're being abused also. Cos Aiman IS SUPER VIOLENT, maybe thats how he expresses himself. And i could see injury marks on his arms / legs. I can only pray that he wont be led further astray (cos i seriously think he has quite a bit of potential to break the law and stuff when he grows up)

4) So much much more kids, TimTan, zhuzhu, Jayven, blah........ I guess i enjoy kids coming up to me so innocently and telling me stuffs, i feel needed and they could rely on me :) I wish im the sister of all of them HAHAHAHAHHA. Even Youming (2/8, gekyong's hated class haha), when he cried today and came up to me like so poor thing and so wronged, i almost wanted to cry tgth with him LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Yeah stuffs like that.

5) OK I LUV CUTE BOYS, HAHAHAHAHHAA. I am no pedo! I just find little boys soooooooooooo cute. Girls are super cute too but i still prefer boys :p Maybe cos im a female? LOL ok PLS REALLY IM NO PEDO/PERV. I still hate certain boys like the ZAVIER TEO who claims im the worst teacher and that he hates me. HMMPH. Back to my cute boys. Like the little p1s omggggg sho cutezxzxzx like Jared Low!!!!!!! And Zahirulaq. HEHEHEHEHEHHE. I swear i must take all of their photos and rmbr all of their names LOL. So that i can stalk them on fb in a few yrs' time HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. I AM KRAZYYYYYYYYY. Then the older boys, wah alot rlly damn cute+shuai like cfm plus chop grow up damn goodlooking one whootwhooot.

OK enough of all these craziness.

Serious stuff, yest was my SMU Acct interview and i HONESTLY DO NOT KNOW how it'd turn out. Like not much clue. Cos it wasnt say a good attempt, nor a bad one. Wahlao eh why my life always like that. Sian. Now i just need to prayyyyy for acceptance letter to come pls!!!! plsplsplsplspls. And NTU ACCEPTANCE LETTER TOOOOOOOOOOO.

What if i CANNOT GET INTO ANY UNI?!?!!!!!!

Last resort would be going to NIE.

Finally (almost) done with my apps!

-ZEN-

Bliss :) OK not exactly *blisss~~~* but at least now i somehow feel safe and contended with life. That is until i start freaking out about SMU interviews... Hahaha.

But main goal is still NTU Maritime (i know i know, fickle me). But i was looking random places and I rlly wna join NUS cos of their hiphop! Okay not that it's *awsmmm* or wtvr, but it seems pretty good and fun, and i THINK btr than NTU's. OMG. Decisions, decisions.

Lesson in less than an hour's time! Two keyboarding lessons + one childcare session (referring to P1s). HAHAHAHA. Shd be quite okay i hope, so long the P4s dont start going crazy in the MAC lab.......

Okay nothing much to post.

Btw, I LUV GRENADE BY BRUNO MARS. It's like the 2nd most awsm song after Monsoon. <3 I think one day I will list out my favfavfavfavfav songs of all time hehe :>

That's it. You've just lost a friend without even knowing it yourself.









Your loss.

(That is if you could even feel anything with your heart at all)